It's been awhile since I've written to you, lest you believe your memory has waned from my forethought. It has yet to. I was telling a friend stories of our planned camping trip and missing you so much that for a moment the disillusionment melted away...and I returned to the reality that I can't call you up for a chat anymore. How I long for your face and your presence. It has been the most incredible year in sorrow and now...in joy. I have found people who would have embraced you and all your subtle differences, all the realms of your heart that you kept hidden would have been loved. There are women who remind me of you and I wish that they too could have experienced your mercy and tenderness.
I feel as though my life is finally ready to begin with places to go, people to love and rescue and I wish so much that you were beside me. There is freedom from the chains we fasten to ourselves and those we allow others to compile. Even amidst the destruction there is beauty and hope and my only longing is to know you felt an ounce of that hope before you left this world.
I am still in awe that these people I now love so much actually enjoy my company. No one pushes me away and for the first time in my life...I don't want to put up my defense mechanisms. I just want to relax in their proximity. Their love and acceptance binds and heals my wounds.
Two weeks ago I felt like my life had been cast in the fire...and in a way it was, but out of it arose a phoenix of strength and honor because my second chance will be extraordinary. Not all are permitted this opportunity and I want to embrace mine with abandon. I can finally become who I'm meant to be and I don't have to feel ashamed of it. The thrill of it is enough to make me soar high above this planet...and dance a little amidst the clouds with you.
I love you.
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