Waves of Peace

Latest revelation:  I have no clue as to what the hell I'm doing with my life.  I feel like a pin ball slamming into walls, making all kinds of noise.  Chaotic.  If only I could light up or glow in the dark!

There's a movie called "The Greatest."  It tells the story of a married couple who support their son's pregnant girlfriend after he is killed in a car accident.  Every morning the mother, played by Susan Sarandon, wakes up, remembers her son is dead, and begins to cry.  The rush of reality is too overwhelming.

I feel like that every morning when I open my eyes.  There's an instant all-consuming rush of confusion and the reminder that the future of my life remains inherently uncertain.  I can't seem to gain a foothold on anything.  I have no place to go to that doesn't carry the weight of an awful or uncomfortable memory.  Not even my own home.  And in a way, not even my church.

I do not know how to fill this chasm in my chest.  People make all sorts of suggestions like prayer, meditation, simply having faith that it's all going to work out...and much of the time it sounds like hollow words.  I have let all the wrong people and all the wrong motivations direct and assign purpose to my life and when they cease to exist, it feels as though I too cease to function.

I have to redefine what I want in my life.  I don't know what it will include...art...people...maybe Africa.  Probably Africa.

I long for the morning when I open my eyes and as I wait for the tsunami of anxiety to arrive...I am instead blindsided by the waves of peace that have replaced it.