Today has been a rather melancholy adventure. I spent eight hours attacking a helpless canvas with my array of brushes...nothing too atypical about such an activity...but as of late, I've rarely engaged in it...
Painting isn't a simple measure of burning calories...it is an investment, an outpouring of myself. I tend to disconnect mentally when I paint...loosen my grip on the walls I've constructed to protect myself. In the peaceful serenity of my tiny apartment, I release all I refrain from expressing in every other facet of my daily functionality. Occasionally joy transfers through a piece of artwork, but today...a plethora of anger. Angry at myself for getting close to another person, only to be callously tossed aside...like an empty bottle of Shiner...did I mean so little that honesty was not an option? And how could this person behave in a manner that reflects I should be kopasetic... I'm angry at this person for being such a callous bastard. Why in the hell didn't I see this coming? I keep trying to press on as if I'm Jennifer Aniston in that whole awkward Brangelina drama...but I just want to punch babies. Hard. In the face.
I wish I were less of a coward...I'd probably say something defensive or hateful to this person's face...but I'm not. Too many components of my life are wrapped around attempting to be mature and cordial in their presence (so I write about it here...to my cosmic Oz and pray it isn't read...then again, maybe it should be).
I've been running in furious circles trying to build a facade of happiness....and I had minutely succeeded...until today...when I picked up my paintbrush.
My paintbrush may as well be God...because with it in my hand, there is no impediment in front of my heart...it is open, bare, exposed, vulnerable. It is the most uncomfortable feeling...the nakedness of it. I avoid the canvas to avoid the pain...but people still beckon for artwork...I suppose God also resides is in their requests...because it coerces me to face that which threatens to tear me asunder...headstrong...ready or not.
No comments:
Post a Comment