God, Grant Me Roots

Three years ago I drove away from my life in Corpus Christi...and my loves Harley and Amanda Mathews...and a small semblance of other friends and acquaintances.  I hardly slept the night before departure...in fact, I left the city limits at 4 AM...no longer capable of pacing the small corners of my bare apartment.  I drove seven hours, 400 miles...clutching back tears until my car was safely hidden in my parents' garage.  I sobbed with every box, every shelf, and the entire half hour I stood in a scalding shower.  Shattered heart, shattered world, new beginning.

In the three years hence, these special friends have remained at my side...like ghosts...or shadows...always moving in synchronization, even in seasons of separation.

Life has been an experiment in upheaval for us and now we stand at a crossroads.  We have dreams of someday being together...living, ministering, loving...  If ever came a moment when we pleaded, "Swiftly Lord Jesus"...it would be to bring these hopes and longings to fruition.  Being apart, at times, causes the breath to catch in my chest.  I want to know that we'll always be in proximity...in some facet.  I want the certainty of the bond that ties us together.

I spent four precious days with them and now I'm back in this rut of complacency and confusion.  I have never wanted to break free from the life I currently lead...run full speed back into their arms.  The separation is quite comparable to mourning...feeling lost...all the things you want to say and do together, but it simply isn't permissible.  We do not yet fathom the reason for the vast distance that parts us, but we know it is necessary.

I toy with the idea of fulfilling my current responsibilities and fleeing from the chains that bind me...but is it because I know their loving eyes await me...or because there really is a greater destiny at stake?  My current home is unstable at best, an emotional and mental quake of uncertainty.  I am fervently annoyed and angered by it...thus triggering a fight or flight response.  I am exhausted from fighting...weary from the consistent struggle to force a positive outcome in this city bearing such dark memories.

This stationary war is breaking my spirit.  I desire not to be hasty in my decision-making.  Too many dreams, hopes, futures are dependent upon sovereign timing.  God, Grant me the longing for roots, for at present, I want nothing more than wings...