I'm sitting on the couch in my church's youth room...old school Jars of Clay reverberating on my teeny tiny lap top...soy chai latte teetering on the off-balance table beside me. My kids will be here in an hour...my youth kids, that is. Soon we'll pile into my SUV and weave our way to Starbucks to catch up on recent events, down (more) lattes, and giggle at the ways our conversations divert off topic. It's my favorite part of Sunday...that and when they cram themselves in tight around me as we prepare to worship with the rest of the congregation. I love the nicknames, the inside jokes, the Facebook references to conversations no one outside of us will ever understand. I love the mid-week text messages, even the ones that carry troublesome situations, because it means they know I love them and I'll listen regardless of the late hour. Half the time I want to respond, "Does your mom know you're still awake?!" But they don't come to me looking for their mom, they come looking for a friend...so I give them one.
It's youth ministry. It's my life... more than pizza, board games, and girls' night out at the local skating rink (I really need to invest in elbow/knee pads...)...it's a breathing in of their perspectives and listening to their stories. It's sitting beside them and walking with them and holding them when the burdens of growing up have taken their toll. It is holy and lovely and pure.
This week many of my high school girls are graduating and preparing for collegiate adventures. Sadly, I was only able to attend one graduation celebratory event...and now I anxiously await their arrival through the door so I can hear about every detail I've missed. It's such a milestone for them and in a few short weeks, they'll be gone...
This high school group is the first I've really invested in. I've participated in others at churches of Christmases past, but this group is my maiden voyage into youth ministry. They have challenged me and loved me and welcomed me into their lives.... And in doing so, have shown me that I am capable of doing this for the rest of my life...or until I become that old maid in the corner with bad highlights, chewing on pen caps and flirting with the pizza guy at the New Years Lock-In. That'll signal it's time to retire.
I've never been the "leader" of a youth ministry machine. I'm the roadie, the back up crew, the extra. I have never embraced the idea of leadership because I'm heinously shy and socially awkward, fantastically magnified in front of a crowd...or PARENTS. They're the hardest to win over. And if I'm being brutally honest, I find that much of my cowardice is linked to my lack of biblical knowledge. I'm a teacher by profession, but I've always found it difficult to teach/preach the Bible/Jesus. If it's not the controversies surrounding historical/contextual accuracy, it's the simple fact that I'd rather embody Jesus than preach him to people. Like my students, I'm still formulating what I believe and what I'm willing to defend. I don't want to stand in front of impressionable eyes and sound like a dumb ass. I suppose I could always respond with the adage, "I don't know, but I'll surely find out..." Who knows, maybe they'll see that it's okay to NOT have the answers to everything. Thank God we're not required to be omniscient.
Last night I was at a graduation party talking to a few parents and grandparents who were quizzing me on my future plans. I told them I wanted to pursue youth and art ministry but that I wanted to be in the background because I was comfortable there. I felt competent there. This morning, my pastor's wife told me I belonged in youth ministry. She said she heard me tell others I didn't think I could be the leader and she disagreed. She said I had the qualities to be a youth leader, I just needed to be brave and have the confidence to step outside my box. It's easy to say that her words humbled me, but more than that...her words challenged me to be more than what I settle for. I like disappearing into the background because if I fall, no one sees it...I don't have to worry about looking stupid (my greatest fear of all). A youth minister friend once told me that being in this field requires you to be a jack ass half the time...being willing to mess up and be a dork...so the kids know you're not so full of yourself and that being a dork is cool. Wise advice.
I want this... to be a full time youth minister, part time jack ass. (How's that for a job description?) I have no idea what to do or where to go from here. In two months I'll be unemployed, but I'm not worried. In the past few weeks I've met some of the most beautiful ministers, whose fervor and passion to protect their students leaves me breathless in awe. One day I hope to be half their level of bad ass. For the moment I'm content to sit beside my kids...those ready to take over the world and the others who look at me with lost eyes and ask, "Heather, where do I belong?" To them I say, "Lovely, you belong with me."
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