I Never Thought I'd Stay

Life is unfailingly unpredictable.

Two months ago I had my bags packed to move to Corpus Christi at the first available moment.  I was hurt and broken and exhausted from relentless sadness.  In Corpus Christi I felt at home, restored...and able to disregard the torment of my past.  Everything in Fort Worth felt suffocating.  In some ways, this city still removes the air from my lungs...but I'm learning to accept that it will take awhile before people refrain from dragging me through the filthy mire of my life that once was.  I suppose I could choose to avoid those people or simply not allow myself to be destroyed by their inability to let sleeping dogs lie.  The hardest part is needing the people who never let you forget the nightmares.  Sometimes I wish we could all be brainwashed or hypnotized into ignorance.  I'd like to rewind to June 2010...begin anew...but if I did, I wouldn't have my youth group or my beautiful new life...

I can't believe I'm saying this but, I think I'm going to stay...in Fort Worth...at least for awhile longer.  As peaceful as I am about the decision, I won't deny that there's a portion of my spirit that is disappointed, angry even...that I'm not going to be with my family in Corpus Christi.... and staying means I'll have to attack my past head-on.  No more running away...  Time to start over...here, in the place where the sadness originated.

Right about the time I should have initiated the daunting task of job hunting in Corpus Christi, I met a few new friends through Twitter who repeatedly encouraged me to pursue my lingering curiosities in youth ministry and art.  My pastor and his family...and a host of other families pleaded relentlessly for me to stay after my secret plot to peace out of Dallas was revealed.  I looked at their faces, the sweet expressions of love from people who have become my family and healed my wounds over the last 8 months and it was so difficult to say no.  My youth ministry mentor directed me to some training courses to assist me in this ministry endeavor and coincidentally my church offers such classes.  Go figure.

So now a new quest begins.  My boss has assured me that I can retain my employment and has added to my job description.  Due to the overpowering level of bullshit in the field of Special Education, I have been asked to find a new school or program for their son for the upcoming year.  I am to be the one to initially tour the facilities and ask the directors questions...because they trust that I'll know what's best for their son.  It is both humbling and damn terrifying.  This family has been raped by the government and the education system numerous times...and they're exhausted....and now I must be their warrior and advocate.  If the new program will not accept me as their son's tutor, then I will no longer be employed.

I'm also going to be moving...again...for the 4th time in 9 months.  I hope that the new apartment will be closer to my church and work...  A place that will provide safety and the ability to be present in my students' lives over the next year.  A home.  A studio.  A meditative sanctuary.  A school.

I intend to continue building the relationships I've been blessed with...my sweet Brandon, who I adore and whose presence has mended many of the shattered fragments of my heart.  I've never laughed so much and felt so at peace in a relationship in my life.  And if I ever thank him for it, he just looks at me like...it's his job to bring me joy.  Remaining close to my family is also vital as a few of my elder relatives grow weaker in health.  To sit with them and listen to their stories has become one of my favorite activities.  As for my precious youth kids...to grow with them and learn more about them as they mature in their faith...I can't think of a better way to spend my time.

I never thought I'd stay...and now, I can't imagine leaving.