I'm in need of some advice or knowledge or suggestions... My heart is troubled with issues of morality and truth.
...and away we go.
What would you say if I admitted I have no intention of ever walking down the aisle again without first living with the potential spouse-to-be? In my family, "shacking up"=doom...a perspective shared by many of the religious circles I grew up in but now run screaming from.
I struggle with the right's/wrong's of the Bible. Truth be told, I hinge my faith on the life and ministry of Jesus. Beyond his legacy, his instruction to love God and ALL people, the Bible holds more confusion and mistrust in interpretation, than absolute measure. For a person who lived and breathed all things church/Bible/mantra for 20 or more years, this season of doubt and uncertainty offers more anger than peaceful resolution.
I want to know how to approach this from a minister's perspective. I want nothing more than to serve in the church, with the youth. This is my ardent passion. I did marriage all the right ways, according to church tradition...and it bit me in the ass. It was the most difficult journey I've wandered...and survived...six years in the desert unable to adequately give or receive love from the person I rested beside. And all of the torment came about AFTER the vows and the beginning of cohabitation.... I believe there's a level of personal character that does not reveal itself until after the laundry has been done and the dishes put away...when the relationship becomes more than dinner and a movie and late night phone calls.
I was very young when I got married and I likely rushed into it to avoid the pangs of pre-marital sex guilt...among other reasons... I do not intend to enter into such a covenant relationship again with the same cavalier attitude (or monumental ignorance). I want forever, or as close to it as I can attain with my frail human fingertips.
I don't believe church tradition, religious rite, or societal expectation should dictate what creates a good and able minister (providing the minister isn't being a blatant dumb ass...because I think we both know some ministers have great aesthetics and hollow souls). I'm talking about two adults in a healthy relationship sans marriage certificate... Will such a living situation hinder me as a minister?
You would think that with the church's learned acceptance of LGBT/pro-choice politics, that this wouldn't induce such a paradigm shift. Personally, I think "the church" gives way too big a damn about all the wrong things. Whether or not I live with a man without a wedding ring has NO bearing on my ability to love and minister to teenagers. I loved them before, I love them now, I'll love them always. But, to the religious at-large, unless my romantic "truths" are spliced somewhere in between 1 Corinthians and Jude...I'm preaching to a tone-deaf choir.
So if June Cleaver calls, tell her I'm apartment hunting.
Be careful. When you start serving the church, you take on a new, public role. And, like or not, that means that yes - the expectations of others are a part of that role.
ReplyDeleteWhile I would not say that I disagree with your conclusions, I do know that it could keep you from a job. Just be careful, that's all I'm saying.
Ok, not all I'm saying. As someone who has walked this road with many couples preparing for marriage and after marriage, there is something that changes once you are married - whether you've been living together or not. Yes, the living together is a big piece, but there is something else that changes too. Ok, that's all I'm saying. :)
Hey there friend,
ReplyDeleteYou speak very wisely. I talked to my pastor at length about it...and he actually said the same things you did, and he conveyed it with as much love and caution as you have bestowed. I think in the back of my mind I knew that even IF if I lived with someone prior to marriage, once the marriage license came into play, there would be a paradigm shift.
I worried about losing my place in the youth ministry as a result and my pastor said he wouldn't kick me out but he wasn't sure about the parents. It's completely understandable. I respect their decision to disagree with my choices.
Such a fine line we walk as ministers...when our personal lives come crashing down around us and we have to start over. What is it supposed to look like? My templates keep failing me.
I'm rather grateful for your friendship and for your open-mindedness. More pastors should reflect as such.
H