Lately my heart has been troubled...weighed by the perceptions of others, the fear of the unknown, and the lack of discounted chocolate during Holy Week. Really, what was Wal-Mart thinking?
I felt like I've spent the last month defending my choices to friends and family and half the time I forget that they endured the horror of my miscarriage and divorce right alongside me... It's enough to say that everyone has trust issues. I suppose it's the echoing hardship of community...we all walk through shit with each other and our first instinct is to protect and defend. It's how community should be conducted. My only fear resides in the fallback of disaster. Occasionally we become too cautious, we remove the ability to love and embrace with abandon...because we don't want to walk through shit...again.
If I've learned anything in the last seven months...it's how to survive...how to rise out of the ashes and breathe when every ounce of my soul wants to die. I've learned who is worth investing in and who isn't.
And I guess it's safe to say I've learned to be a little bit brave in the pursuit of my dreams. I still question my decisions, wondering if they'll bite me in the ass...but I can't sit with idle hands and waste away in fear and what-if scenarios.
I started doubting the imminent move back to Corpus Christi, but the more I thought about remaining where I am, the more I realized that it's time to take a chance and invest in the ever-loving community of believers known as The Brewery. It's time to take a stand for something I believe in...to pursue justice and love and youth ministry and art.
May sound odd but I think it's time to care a little less and love a little more...to look beyond perception and imagine what life and ministry can be beyond the borders of safety.
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