Tangled In Secret

I consider myself to be a rather private person...though it's true I rain a fountain of private thoughts and curiosities through this social network.  But honestly, if you read the lines of my blog, I rarely write anything that someone of past or present hasn't already said.  I suppose that is quite purposeful.

I am currently reading a book, wherein the author describes the intimate details of the religion he practices and the God he follows.  I pour over the lines with fervent curiosity and yet, occasionally I feel as though I'm a voyeur reading a diary.  This book was published for the public but the content appears almost confidential and therefore I am almost uncomfortable.  [I'm ridiculously private enough that I choose not to reveal the title of the book or other specific details as to its contents because the method by which it came into my possession and my reason for studying it are very personal.]  I wonder how the author gained the strength and compulsion to publish such details of his holy interaction with God....because I am not yet as brave and forthright as he.

I've never been very vocal in terms of relegating how I regard my own spirituality, religious preferences, or even the natures of the God I encounter in my daily contemplative conversations.  It is not because I am ashamed of God (at least I hope it isn't...), but rather the unbearable thought that this sacred relationship might become tainted by outside realms.  It is not that I am trying to prove that my belief is right or afraid to hear that it might be wrong...more than I simply choose to refrain from disclosing the intimate intercessions I have with God.

That said, my lifelong practice of vocal isolation and reclusion are becoming increasingly difficult.  Not only am I frequently surrounded by believers who choose to be outspoken in their faith, but my beliefs have transformed dramatically in the last year...specifically in the last six months.  It was easier for me to remain silent in the company of those who knew I believed similarly.  Now, that is not the case.  For the first time, I am encountering opposition.  I am no longer in the same denomination as my family and more than half of my friends.  I am the least likely personality type to stand against an army, especially when the contending soldiers are people I love.  When I most crave to be silent, I must instead speak.  And now, I am faced with divulging those sacred conversations with God...to an audience.  I wish their curiosity wasn't so ardent as equally as I desire my fear of disclosure wasn't so overzealous.  

I realize that there is purpose in the intimate reveal....and the knowledge that not every detail of my relationship with Jesus will be exposed brings me consolation.  So should you ever consult me about my personal involvement with Christ, understand that beyond the few lines I may exchange...there remains a greater story tangled in secret, yet to be unfolded....at least, for now.

"Spiritual practice is private but shared; it is intensely personal but common.  The inevitable result of spiritual practice is spiritual experience, things like 'conversations with the unseen, voices and visions, responses to prayer, changes of heart, deliverances from fear, inflowings of help, assurances of support."--William James