I'm still adjusting to the paradigm shift in my daily routine. I suppose the thing I miss the most is not being able to share my life with someone all the time. Any event, whether large or small, was news big enough to share...and now I pick up my phone and set it back down. It's just me in this small room...and the cat, but last I checked, she was merely a soundboard. Her only concern is the height of the food in her dish. I have friends who offer escape but they have their own lives to live...they can't babysit me all the time.
I hate that I have all this uncertainty before me. How long will I be hiding in my parents' house? Will I have to find a roommate and a crappy apartment? Can I even afford it or will I have to give up this job I love so much for a paycheck?
I miss my dog. I miss her continually happy face and how it appears there's been no absence when she sees me again. I hate that I can't just open my backdoor and scratch her fluffy ears and watch her race between the trees.
I hate that his stupid choices has caused a level of pain I never fathomed I could experience and still breathe.
I even hate how much I love the people who have rescued me from peril because the moment I am away from them, my chest feels heavy and I am weighted in lonliness. I can't read, I can scarcely paint. I just want to be near them...so we can heal together. They are the glue that binds the pieces.
I wish I would have seen this coming so I could have prepared myself for the trauma. But I wasn't prepared. And all I see is his face...and her face. Together. And I think of the thousand things I could have done to prevent it or make it hurt less.
And now all that will remain of our marriage is a piece of paper and the scars of harsh words and poor judgment. Is this really the product of five and a half years of commitment? What a damn waste.
I wished that I missed his companionship less and wanted this new opportunity of a fresh start more, but I don't. I want to fast forward out of this brainwashing bull crap and into something more productive and less burdening. But it's going to take awhile and I have a hell of a lot of adjusting to do.
Hey, there is nothing wrong with crappy apartments. Well, there usually are LOTS of things wrong with them. But I think it's still safe to say that they are way under-rated. It's your crappy apartment. It's my crappy apartment.
ReplyDeleteJust know that as much as you look up to people for being with you and encouraging you, they are all blown away at your ability to still show up with a smile on your face. It puts plenty of things in perspective for the rest of us.
I have no right to bitch after the shit you've dealt with in the past 3 weeks.
I'm truly sorry for all that you've been thrown into. I won't say it happens for a reason, because everyone hates that. But what I will say is that, these actions that you take now, these experiences that you share with no one will be validated in YEARS to come!