I have spent the last week in an alternate reality...sci-fi channel worthy...soaring in a fuzzy dimension also known by the mass population as spring break...
'Spring break' typically brings forth images of bikinis, binge drinking, and lots of scenes from 'Dazed and Confused.' My spring break wasn't entirely reminiscent of 'Half Baked,' but fun was still had. So much so...I don't want to leave this city of sunshine...not because it means I have to return to the daily routine of work, church, and survival...but because I'm once again leaving the people who continually carry me through the ebb and flow of life's conundrums. And that leaves me rather sad.
I embarked on this week-long adventure seeking answers for which path to take...do I stay in Fort Worth, continue existing as I've done thus far; or do I relocate, return to Corpus Christi and transition into a new beginning? It's not a simple decision to weigh...
Fort Worth now holds a vacuum of painful memories...most of the friendships I have at "home" are lined with the destruction caused by my ex-husband. I'm now "that" girl, the "ex-wife", the one who was cheated on...that's my story. Much that I love the family of supporters I have in Fort Worth, their faces are simply a reminder of the torment. I can't seem to escape it. It's everywhere I turn...and it's suffocating.
So I fly south for a reprieve...back into the world I was once immersed in...social justice, art, laughter, love...pure, ardent, undignified love....and it's safe here. The relationships I have run deep, years of shitty life experiences, joyful encounters, and hopeful curiosities. I sit amongst friends and the bond feels stronger than family. I am introduced to strangers as 'Heather, the artist, our friend, who we love.' Not an ounce of baggage, not a reminder of what was...just me, as I am...right this very second. Everyone KNOWS my shit, they walked through it with me, BUT here...I'm able to break free of the paralyzing bondage and simply be myself. It's like a band-aid on my soul. I am just another piece of colorful glass in this beautiful mosaic of community.
I questioned whether or not moving back to Corpus would be considered running away from the drama that hovers like a dreary cloud over Fort Worth...diminishing the sunlight. I don't want to run away from something bleak, so much as run toward something beautiful. I am determined to weave something exquisite out of these frayed edges...but right now, at "home," there is very little to entice the creativity within. Perhaps the decision to return to Corpus will be measured as a choice to pursue healing...to rebuild and reinvent myself.
So if you're looking for me, wondering how I'm doing, searching for a conversation...look towards the Coastal Bend...huddled in a room of hard core/punk/hippie/tattooed friends, talking about Jesus and loving people...chances are, you will find me there.
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